a no picture post. sad face.

i've been thinking about this great post for a few days. i think you should read it too, but basically it just questions people's motives for blogging.

i pretty much read that post and the comments and in the space of an hour decided to turn off my comments, decided to stop blogging, then decided to delete about 50 blogs from my google reader. i didn't do any of those. instead, i'm going to do some self-analysis on my blog, you lucky dogs.


so why do i blog? i think it started with peer pressure. and guilt from the fact that i never journal and i thought blogging would be easier. and it is. and my sister and some of my friends had really great blogs and i liked feeling so connected to them. that feeling of connectedness is one of the reasons i continue to blog. i love the comments i get (i get a lot of them!) and i love leaving comments. i think the best thing about my blog is the comments. my second favorite thing about my blog is that i've learned things about myself through it, as i write things down and share them, and i've seen growth in myself. just like a good diary, old posts make me cringe. i'm glad i've matured a little, found my voice. discovered what makes me happy. i like having a place to present a controlled idea of myself, or at least who i want to be. in real life i have a hard time doing that, with the weird things that come out of my mouth. and of course i blog because the grandmas love to see their babies.

i like when people read my blog. i like encouraging comments. i like to share my life, details that i normally wouldn't tell anyone about in a real-life conversation. and blogs make me happy! blogs are my escape from my children. (does that sound awful? it's true.) blogs are my way to interact when i would otherwise feel alone at home all day. blogs inspire me to try new things (photography! sewing! knitting!). blogs make me laugh.

with that being said, blogs have in the past made me feel horribly low and disgusted with myself. now i know that probably tells you i need to work on my self-esteem but i think it also references what lisa talked about in aforementioned post as the self-marketing aspect of blogging. are we trying to share ourselves or are we trying to sell ourselves? i read way too many blogs that tell me that my clothes aren't cute enough, i don't eat at enough fancy restaurants, and i don't love my husband or kids enough. (well, the first two are absolutely true.) am i of less value without those things? are you?

i also think there is that negative connotation of "mommy blog." i'm tired of that. why should i feel guilty because i haven't transformed my blog into a money-making machine? does that define success? will you pay me to blog? i spend enough time doing it. do i need an etsy shop to be a good mother? i have no ambitions in that arena. i don't write enough insightful/thought-provoking/spiritual/witty/cynical posts. does that make me shallow?

i was thinking about my previous post and how i posted it when it was a really really rough day. rough rough rough. we don't have a car and i can't get anywhere from my house and my kids go absolutely nutso when they're bored and i was just having one of those days. feeling lonely. frustrated. it happens even in the caribbean. and so i took some pictures and tried to make lemonade out of that lemon. and it kind of worked! and i got 33 comments about my crappy day! awesome! and each one of them made me feel happy. and a lot of them said, "that doesn't look like a bad day at all!" and then i looked back at my post and thought, "yeah, they're right!" i got a nice camera for christmas and i love taking pictures and i generally am always trying to take attractive pictures. and so i did my best to take pretty pictures of my crappy day. so was that me being deceitful? hmmm. was that me marketing myself as saying "this is an awful day" but the underlying message was "my crappy days are better than your good days?" i really wasn't trying to say that. and believe me, pretty pictures aside, it really was a bad day full of crying (mostly by me). i do feel a lot of blogs do send that message, though. my life is better. blogging makes people into celebrities. i don't need my picture in PEOPLE, i have a blog with 200 followers! that kind of thing. so what i'm trying to work out in my little mind, is, should i have presented that post differently? nobody likes "dirty laundry" posts. (well, sometimes i do.) you don't really want me to post about my real life. the one in which i yell at my children every 5 minutes and my son doesn't listen to a thing i say and my house is covered in ants because i live in a jungle and also because i don't keep a perfectly clean house. and i feel lonely a lot. should i post that stuff? probably not. i want my blog to be something i look at in 20 years (will blogs still be around??) and i can feel nostalgic and peaceful and remember the good times and even some of the bad. and my children will know who i was as a young mother. and i will know that none of my posts were faked or forced, although they may have been strategically limited in breadth. as all blogs are. and that's ok.

in conclusion, i hope my blog doesn't make you feel bad about yourself and i hope my blog doesn't make you feel happy you're not me. (there is a middle ground there, i think.) and i hope i can turn some of the blog friendships i've made into real-life friendships, because i need more friends in real life.  and i don't want to just project happiness on my blog, i want to be happy period.



*and i realize i have become such a horrible writer, and i'm coming to terms with that. sorry. maybe i will even try to start capitalizing.